Married 3-11-1978 in Ringold, GA
It's never easy losing a parent. In 2005, when I was just 17 years old, my father passed away. I remember being in the hospital room and feeling like the ground beneath me had just broken apart when the monitor started ringing and the nurse announced he had gone "v-stat". I still have no idea what the term itself means, but I knew then that it meant he was gone. I remember feeling robbed because I didn't get to say goodbye to him, because I wasn't allowed to apologize to him for being a mostly shitty child, because he wouldn't get to see me grow up and get married or have children, because my mom and I had no idea how to survive without him - he was our rock, and mostly because there was still so much more that I still needed to learn from him. He was gone, and my mom and I were alone. We had no idea what to do and stayed up late night after night crying and worrying about financial troubles and what we were going to do to make it by. Somehow through out our mourning and being completely lost souls it brought us closer together, it made us a team, and we formed an inseparable friendship.
The first year was the hardest on my mom, she suffered from type 1 insulin dependent diabetes, and in her depression she was not eating properly so her blood sugar was all over the place. I would wake up in the middle of the night to her screaming and crying out for my dad in the middle of an insulin reaction. It scared me, I had no idea what to do, I was so scared of losing her too. Of course, I knew how to care for her and her reactions when they came on, I had been doing that from a very young age, but they seemed so much more emotionally intense now. There was anger and sadness behind them and all I could do was bring her out the reactions and try to comfort her back to herself again.
6 months after my dad passed away I found out that I was pregnant with Madison. My mom and I both felt a sense of joy and calm, things began to look up. She came with me to my doctor appointments, we hung out almost every day even though I had moved in with my husband at the time, she was there for me through all of my worries and fears. Some of my favorite memories of my mother are during my pregnancy; when she first placed her hand on my stomach and felt Madison kicking, when she came to sit with me at my house while I was in early labor and I was driving her out of her mind because I just couldn't sit still, the delivery room and having her there holding my hand through the whole labor and telling me to "push". My mother barely left my side.
One of the most heart wrenching things about her death is that when she passed I was 350 miles away from her. It was unexpected, the phone call broke me into a million pieces - pieces that I am still trying to put back together, I ran screaming for my room mate at the time and collapsed on to the floor and fell apart. I screamed, cried, and begged God to give her back to me. I felt alone. I felt ashamed, I should have been there. Why wasn't I there? A few weeks prior I had talked about moving back home with her in Georgia because I was having some troubles living in Florida, and she told me to "come on". I should have, I should have jumped up right then and there and rushed home, but I didn't. I guess that's the part of life that no one warns you about, it is unexpected at times, and it can be cruel and unforgiving. It will leave you wondering for years to come why you didn't take a chance, or why you let yourself miss an opportunity.
The coroners office would not allow me to see my mother when I arrived in Georgia, though I was the only one who could release her body... They had already performed an autopsy by the time I was able to speak with them. I was angry, I felt like I was missed that closure, I should have been able to see her one last time to kiss her forehead and tell her goodbye. I was 24 years old and having to set up a memorial for my mom on my own, it was frustrating and confusing and I'm still not sure how I managed to actually pull it off. I stayed in Georgia for a few weeks and slept in her bed a few nights. I wanted to stay there forever, but she wasn't there and Georgia just did not feel like home anymore. I felt lost, I still feel lost at times.
I'm so blessed to have had such an amazing woman in my life. It's been two years to the day that my mother left this Earth and I have to say, it hasn't gotten any easier. In fact, I've had to take multiple breaks while writing this to go to the bathroom and breakdown. I have a mountain of tissues next to me from having to wipe my eyes. I know everyone always says "she will always be with you," and I do believe that, but it's hard not being selfish and wanting her here physically. There is nothing in this world that I wouldn't give just to hug her and have a conversation with her one more time.
I lost both of my parents before I turned 25 years old. It's taken me a long time to not be bitter about the hand that I was dealt, instead I am so happy to have had such loving parents. Some days are definitely harder than others, some days I get mad and selfish and wish they were still here with me. I get upset and feel alone still some days, there's an emptiness inside of me that I don't think will ever change. My parents loved one another, they fought for one another, they fought for me to be able to have the things I needed and some of the things that I wanted, they were an amazing support system. They had an amazing marriage, and were perfect together. I am glad that they showed me the way a marriage should be. I am blessed to have had them as leaders and role-models in my life. I am glad that my mother was able to be there for the first few years of Madison's life. I will make sure that my children always know who my parents were... They will never be forgotten, and their short lives will always be celebrated in my home.
Mom 05/20/1954 - 01/17/2013
Life is so very short, and tomorrow is never promised. Tell your loved ones every day how much they mean to you. Do little things for them, things that may seem insignificant, because in the end the memories that we make are all that we will have left. Write them down, tell them out loud, take pictures, share them, get them out there - because one day you'll want to look back and you'll want to remember - I promise you will want to remember.
